Are You a Wall or a Door?

This past summer during a customer service training session at work, a coworker pointed out that whenever someone comes to us for help with an especially challenging request, we have two possible approaches. We can erect a wall of reasons why it can't be done or we can try to create a door, using alternative options and resources. If the information is elusive, the answer may not be perfect or complete but it's better than nothing at all.

I thought about the wall-or-door image often during a recent trip to the Midwest to see family members and old friends. Whenever I get together with extended family (which, for me, includes what I call our family of friends), it strikes me how different we all are. Most of the time, those involved have been able to enjoy each others' company in spite of the political, religious or cultural gulf between them. In a few cases it hasn't been so easy.

Tom and I both tend to be live-and-let-live types. The only reason for shutting someone out would be that the person in question was behaving in a way that was intentionally harmful to others. We don't care what your beliefs, level of formal education, occupation, nationality or sexual orientation might be, as long as you're a good person.

Therefore, I find it disturbing whenever I hear about one person in our extended family circle giving another the cold shoulder because of such differences. Of course it's hurtful to the person being snubbed but in the end, it hurts all of us.

The one doing the snubbing misses out on an opportunity to learn about a different way of thinking or living, to grow out of the comfort zone. If the difference is over spiritual issues or religion (and in the U.S. this usually means a conservative version of Christianity versus everything else), he also misses the chance to be a good advertisement for his faith. As Albert Schweitzer said, "Example isn't the most important thing; it's the only thing."

And it hurts the rest of us when we feel tension at gatherings or are pressured to take sides. I've known families and circles of friends that have split apart over differences that could easily have been worked out or overlooked.

I think that in such situations, some of us are called to be door-openers. I've found that my best response is "I like both of you so I'm not going to choose one over the other. I want my house to be a good place for everyone, so you'll have to leave your differences at the door when you're there. And if you decide you want to better understand each other by talking it out, I'll help."

My own tribe of friends and family is a big sloppy mix of traditional, alternative, red, blue, green, fiery, easy-going, Christian, Jewish, Zen, Pagan, atheist (some of them seem to be a bit of everything), blue-collar, white-collar, artsy, businesslike, right, left, center and sideways. Like everyone else, I find that some people are easier to like than others. Some tend to rub me the wrong way. A few occasionally grate on my nerves.

But if I screened people out based on whether they agree with me, I'd be able to count all my friends on one hand. So I'll continue to work at keeping an open-door policy even though the results can be exasperating at times.

Am I being a wall or a door? It's a good question to ask throughout the day, whether at work, home or out & about.